Overcoming Binge Eating & Obesity!

Why is it that there are days when I feel so hopeless about my weight loss journey? It's been almost 4 and a half years since I began this journey to become a healthier person from the inside out but what I have found to be so interesting is that my inside really wasn't changing. Although I did very well the first year, I never got to my desired goal and just fluctuated until this past Fall and then just threw all caution to the wind and went back to all of my old eating habits. I kept saying that I would start at the beginning of the week, or the month ... but here it is, May 31st and I'm up 50 lbs from this past October and up 90 lbs from my lowest two years ago. I have been doing so much thinking and praying and listening to my counselor to truly understand what's going on in my head and my heart. Just like everyone else I have met on my weight loss journey, I thought I could do this ... but why was I doing it in the first place? All my life I have cried out for attention wanted to be liked but those around me. I have had many hurts in my life that my counselor has been helping me deal with but I want to dig even deeper to understand my feelings and emotions that cause me to binge eat so much. I thought that if I lost all the weight, I would get a lot of attention and would make some new friends. As I got closer to my goal I kind of panicked because I wondered where my "value" would be once I had completed my weight loss journey and would then be on maintenance. I'm not sure how much effect this had on me turning back to my old horrible habits but it's certainly been something I have thought much about. I say I love the Lord, and I know He loves me but do I really believe that? It's so easy to speak good "Christianise" and it all sounds good but the bottom line is where's my heart in all of that? When have I cried out to God and just been brutally honest about my struggles? Why am I so arrogant and prideful that I can't even do that? I know He's the answer for me but knowing it and putting it into action are two very different things. I have heard people say, "just give it to the Lord and He'll take it from you" or "God understands" ... but you know, I think He's letting me work through these very difficult emotions in order for me to understand what's really going on on the inside! It's such a vicious cycle for me and honestly it breaks my heart to know that I worked so hard and now I'm almost back to where I started. And I'm very much not alone with this problem. Most people who lose weight don't keep it off for long. Why is this? Well, I believe God has been showing me some things about my life that may help anyone else struggling in this area or in any other life controlling disorder. You see, I have come to realize that I am very much an extremist in pretty much anything that I do. My life has been lived so far out of balance. There were some childhood experiences that helped me to become this way but then I continued to fuel those poor behaviors through my adulthood. I can remember going to visit my folks and seeing my mom cook a small casserole for dinner. I would literally panic thinking that I wouldn't get enough to eat. There were times when I would visit them that I would have to sneak out at night to a restaurant just to feel like I was getting enough food. I felt as though I was being punished for doing something wrong and my punishment was having a meal withheld or having food withheld. It was a very panicky feeling and still is for me at times. And so this helped to create an extremist personality in me. It became an all or nothing game with me ... and if I failed or fell, I would beat myself up terribly and feel horrible about myself ... like I was no good.

So where am I going with all this rambling? It is just past midnight and we are beginning a new month. This is a great opportunity for me to pull myself up off the floor and begin a completely new approach to my healing and my overcoming obesity for good. Here are my goals

• I will begin each day by spending some quality time with my friend Jesus because He is the one who can help me see the areas that need changing and healing in my life. Without Him I'm nothing but through Him I can be an over comer!
• I will cut out all refined and processed sugar from my diet! I love cookies, cake, pies and any other kind of yummy sweet stuff like donuts ... :) These sugary foods are absolutely no good for me. Instead, I will eat more fruits with natural sugar
• I will swim at least three times a week. Although I would love to exercise every day, I'm taking a more modest approach and a more practical one. Many people may disagree with me on this point of exercise but I'm in this for the long haul and am working on developing good and consistent habits.
• I will drink at least 100 oz of water a day
• I will talk to my wife Trish and to be open with her about my struggles or anxiety so that she can pray with me and help me overcome these difficult times of temptation.
• I will continue to be involved in a local support group
• I will focus on eating properly portioned meals throughout the day that are healthy and well balanced.
• With the Lord's help, my wife's help, and the help of my friends, I will overcome this horrible eating disorder so that I too can experience true freedom and live a longer and much healthier lifestyle.

These are just some of the balanced approaches I want to make in order to see my life get turned around again and get back to living a healthier life. I don't want to die young because of my lack of discipline or my unwillingness to deal with the real pain of getting better. I know God will help me if I'm willing to help myself.

In the Bible, we see over and over how the Pharisees tried to trap Jesus so that they could kill Him. In the book of Matthew chapter 22 verses 34-40 it says - Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducee's, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested Him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: "Love the Lord your God with all you heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself!' All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments."

I have actually preached a message on these verses but do I believe them? Seriously ... When I'm self critical and hate myself for who I have become or what I look like, am I not insulting God Himself? After all, He created me didn't He? No, He didn't cause me to become a binge eater or to become obese, but does He love me any less? I'm His child and He died for me! He died for you too! When we choose to be hard on ourselves then we're telling God He's not good enough. He screwed up when He created me. This makes me so sad ... Why does Jesus tell us, after He says to love the Lord your God, why does he tell us to love our neighbors as ourselves? The bottom line is, how can I truly love others if I loath myself or my behaviors? How can I receive my true healing if I don't understand what Jesus is saying in these very important verses? Friends, He loved us so much that He was willing to die on a cross for us so that we could have everlasting life with Him ... I'm realizing more and more that this is a heart issue and that if I will allow Jesus to do heart surgery on me, He will help me to love myself the way He loves me which in turn will pour out to those around me. My addictive behaviors will be gone because I will no longer need to fill that empty void in my life.

And so it is today, June 1st 2010 that I will once again start over. I'm so thankful that Jesus is my friend and that He continually pours out His grace on me! He is so patient and I pray that as I get to know Him more and more each day that my relationship with Him will grow stronger and stronger and as it does, my lifestyle and bad habits will begin to melt away. If I do my part, I know He'll do His. And so today, I start again anew! It's all about truly learning all about Living Today Well.